


the only place that I call home

by kiyala



Category: Marvel, Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Thor (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Community: avengers_land, False Memories, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-02
Updated: 2012-08-02
Packaged: 2017-11-11 06:44:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyala/pseuds/kiyala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki has always seen Thor at his regular bar every Friday night after work. But once they start talking, everything begins to change and soon, Loki begins questioning everything that he thought he knew about himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the only place that I call home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shipwreck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipwreck/gifts).



Loki doesn’t remember when he first saw Thor. It could have been weeks, months, _years_ ago; Loki doesn’t know and he doesn’t care. Nothing really matters beyond the fact that Thor’s body is pressed against his, large hands resting on Loki’s hips. The look in those bright blue eyes says, _I’ve got you now_ and it’s funny, because Loki is thinking the exact same thing.

Thor is here, every Friday, in the bar that is halfway between Loki’s office and his apartment. Just as Loki is always on his own, Thor is always with his friends. Loki hasn’t exchanged a word with Thor until tonight, but they have always been aware of each other. Their gazes have always been drawn to each other and when the bar had decided to make proper use of its dance floor and hire a DJ, Loki had turned to seek Thor out in the crowd only to find him already there.

“Dance with me.” It hadn’t been a question, and there was no doubt in his expression that Loki would.

It had been tempting, for the briefest of moments, to turn him down just to see his reaction. But without a word, Loki had stepped away from the bar, towards the others already dancing, and raised an eyebrow until Thor caught up.

And here they are now.

The music is too loud for them to speak, so they watch each other instead. Neither of them are particularly dressed for the occasion; Loki is still in the suit he wore to work, and Thor is wearing a button-down shirt and dress pants. They’re also getting looks from a few people around them, and Loki raises an eyebrow at them in challenge, deliberately rolling his hips against Thor’s.

Thor laughs at the reaction this gets them and Loki joins in, a little breathily. He’d very clearly felt the press of Thor’s cock and _oh_ , Loki knows that he’s not going home alone tonight. The tight grip on his hips only serves to reinforce this fact.

They dance until the song is over, heading to the bar in the short lull that follows. Thor nods towards the back of the bar, where the door opens to a sitting area and the music isn’t as loud. He stays close to Loki as they walk, as though he has no intention of losing him. As though Loki would even want to go anywhere else.

The moment they’re outside, the music is quiet enough for Loki to hear himself exhale slowly. They turn to each other and somehow, things feel different now. Words don’t come as easily as sly grins and wandering hands—not even for Loki.

Thor seems to be in a similar predicament. He clears his throat, opening his mouth to speak before reconsidering and shutting it again. Neither of them seem to know where to begin and Loki decides that they’ve deliberated enough. It’s clear why they’re both here and perhaps Loki had hoped for something more, but if one night is all he’ll get, that’s what he’ll take.

He steps forward, splaying his hands on Thor’s chest to steady himself. They’re close in height, and Loki tilts his head to close the gap, pressing their lips together.

Thor responds immediately, hands circling Loki’s waist as he kisses back. They’re gentle and tentative at first, but as each kiss is met with clear approval, they gradually stop holding back. By the time they pull apart for breath, Loki is pressed against the brick wall, chilled by the night air, and he can feel where the scrape of Thor’s beard has turned his own chin sensitive.

Thor looks at him, the hunger in his eyes fading as he slowly comes to himself, and laughs quietly. “I don’t even know your name.”

“Loki.”

“ _Loki_ ,” Thor repeats, shaking his head.

“And you’re Thor.” At Thor’s small frown, Loki adds, “You and your friends aren’t particularly _quiet_ when you come here. Loki and Thor. Quite the matched pair, don’t you think?”

Thor chuckles, wrapping his arm around Loki’s waist again. “You could say that.”

They’re drawn into yet another kiss, and this one is lingering, neither of them willing to pull away. Then, Thor brings his mouth to Loki’s ear to whisper, “We should get out of here.”

“Not particularly subtle, are you?” Loki asks, laughing. Thor chooses that moment to grind against him and Loki bites back his moan, his eyes fluttering shut. “Mm, I never said it was a _bad_ thing.”

Not moving away from Loki’s ear, Thor licks his lips. “You have no idea how long I’ve wondered if you’d be as quiet and nonchalant when you’re out of the expensive suits.”

“How do you want me?” Loki asks, holding onto Thor’s shoulders. “Do you want me beneath you, begging for you to give it to me harder, _please, harder_? Or do you want me to take you to pieces, until you can’t even _think_ from how badly you want it?”

Swearing roughly, Thor tightens his grip on Loki. “ _Yes_. Anything you want. Everything.”

Grinning, Loki wraps his arms around Thor’s shoulders. “Oh, you’re going to be fun. I can feel it already. My apartment’s two blocks away from here.”

“Lead the way.”

Loki barely remembers the walk home. When he thinks back on it, he gets flashes of Thor’s hand on his hip, Thor’s lips on his neck, but it’s mostly a blur until they’re in his apartment, door slamming behind them as they pull each other into a messy kiss. Thor is big, his muscle adding to his bulk and Loki’s head spins as he is pinned against the wall, barely able to move, unable to push back against the body holding him there. It’s not often that anyone interests Loki enough for him to take them home, but he already knows that this is going to be worth it.

“You’re just…” Thor murmurs, kissing him again. He curses under his breath, his tongue making a hot trail down the side of Loki’s neck while pushing his suit jacket off his shoulders. “I need to get you out of all of this.”

Loki groans in agreement, his head tipped back to give Thor easier access. His fingers fumble with his own buttons, and his head spins when he feels Thor’s hands over his, helping him out of his shirt. He starts on Thor’s shirt as they slowly walk their way through the apartment, leaving a trail of discarded clothes as Loki leads them to the bed. It’s just Loki down to his pants when the back of Thor’s knees hit the edge of the bed and he breaks the kiss, bending to lift Loki and turn, depositing him on the bed.

Thor crawls onto him immediately, kissing him hard while stroking him through his pants. Loki can’t help but to kiss back, arching off the bed and clutching at Thor’s shoulders.

“I’m going to take these off,” Thor murmurs, tugging at Loki’s pants, waiting for him to nod before pulling them down. Loki lifts his hips, sighing quietly as Thor takes his underwear off at the same time, freeing his cock.

“Look at you,” Thor marvels, sinking to his knees. “You’re so eager, aren’t you?”

Loki spreads his legs in reply, raising an eyebrow at Thor. “Impress me.”

Thor chuckles, taking hold of Loki’s hips and pulling him down, positioning him just so. Loki squirms as Thor’s breath ghosts over his cock, but before he can mutter to get on with it, the wet heat of Thor’s mouth is surrounding him and he’s gasping for breath, fingers digging into his sheets. Thor’s beard scratches lightly across Loki’s balls and his large hands hold Loki’s thighs apart. Thor swallows around him and Loki swears shakily. He can’t remember the last time anyone’s gone down on him and made him feel this good. He can already feel his orgasm building and he buries his fingers in Thor’s hair, pulling in warning.

With a low hum, Thor stays right where he is and that, on top of everything else, makes Loki scream as he comes, right into Thor’s waiting mouth. He collapses back onto the mattress as Thor swallows, catching the stray drops with his fingers. Loki sucks in a shaky breath, pulling Thor up into a kiss. Thor climbs onto the bed, holding himself over Loki on all fours, his own erection pressing insistently against Loki’s hip.

“Mm, I hope this is just the beginning,” Loki murmurs with a smile, his fingers wrapping around Thor’s cock.

“Believe me,” Thor replies, his lips brushing against Loki’s forehead. “I’m nowhere near done with you yet.”

“Oh, that does sound promising.” Loki murmurs, his strokes slow and measured. It’s not nearly enough to get Thor off and they both know it. With a low growl, Thor jerks his hips impatiently, and Loki laughs. “Impatient, are we?”

“Pretend all you want,” Thor replies, his fingers closing around Loki’s half-hard cock, “but I know this isn’t even close to what you want either.”

“Is that so? Then tell me what I want.”

Instead of speaking, Thor parts Loki’s thighs again, his fingers ghost over sensitive skin. Loki’s cock twitches, and Thor raises an eyebrow.

“Top drawer on your left,” Loki mutters, and he can’t even bring himself to mind when Thor kisses him gently first.

When Thor is turning back to Loki, holding the condoms and lube, Loki takes advantage of his momentary distraction to flip their positions. Thor lets out a small sound of surprise when his back hits the mattress and Loki grins slyly, straddling him and taking the bottle of lube from Thor’s hand.

He slicks his own fingers, but Thor catches his wrist, pulling him back down into a kiss.

“Wait.” Taking the bottle back, Thor opens the cap as he kisses Loki. “Let me.”

He’s gentle at first, teasing Loki open with one finger before adding the second. He reads Loki’s expressions perfectly, knowing exactly when to stop being gentle. When he has three fingers in Loki, Thor curls them just right, drawing a whine out of him.

“That’s enough,” Loki gasps, struggling to string a coherent sentence together. He holds Thor’s wrist still, sucking in a shaky breath.

Thor watches him patiently, not moving until Loki does. Once Thor has a condom on, he pulls Loki close, holding him still as he thrusts in, bit by bit.

“ _Oh_ ,” Loki breathes, his arms wrapped around Thor’s shoulders. He takes a moment to adjust to Thor; so much bigger than any other lover Loki has had. Thor’s hands stroke his sides, watching him carefully and Loki holds the gaze, fucking himself on Thor’s cock. He starts off slow and gentle, but he’s never had much patience for that. He wants the wonderful burn of Thor’s cock stretching him open, he wants to savour the look in those bright blue eyes, wide and darkened with pleasure.

He means to push Thor down, to make him lie back on the bed so that Loki can use his cock however he pleases. He _means to_ , but Thor is big and warm, wrapping himself around Loki like he just can’t stop touching. He kisses Loki as best as he can between their thrusts, and Loki is surprised by just how much he likes it.

“Loki.” With a groan, Thor takes hold of Loki’s hips, lifting him up and fucking into him harder. He’s close, and it’s clear in his expression, in the way his fingers dig into Loki’s skin hard enough to leave bruises. Loki hopes that it does. His mind is a jumbled mess, but that one thought comes through clearly; he hopes that Thor marks him, so that when this is all over, Loki will have something more solid than a memory.

“Loki, _fuck_.” Thor reaches between them, hand wrapping around Loki’s cock to pump in time with his thrusts. “Come for me. Come for me, come on, come on…”

Thor moans loudly as he releases, burying his face into Loki’s neck. He doesn’t stop stroking Loki, speeding up until Loki comes too, back arching as he spills over Thor’s hand.

“So beautiful,” Thor whispers, brushing Loki’s hair out of his face before kissing him. Once they’ve cleaned up and are under the covers, Thor pulls him close once again and while Loki isn’t usually one for physical affection, he allows this. Somehow, it feels extraordinarily comforting. Just the same as it does when Thor presses a kiss to his forehead, his own eyes already shut as he mumbles, “Good night.”

Loki never feels this comfortable with other people in his bed, and as much as he expects this fact to keep him awake, it doesn’t. He turns his face into Thor’s shoulder, enjoying the warmth and the proximity, and is asleep within moments.

 

«·»

 

They wake up twice throughout the night; the first time it’s Loki stroking Thor until he opens his eyes and then finishing him off with a blowjob. The second time, Thor pins Loki to the bed and they rut against each other until they both come, too fucked out to do anything more than clean themselves up and fall asleep again.

When Loki wakes the third time, the sun is shining in his eyes as his mind struggles to cling to a rapidly-fading memory of a dream. If he tries, he can still visualise the golden halls of his dream, decadent and beautiful, and he rolls over to escape the sun, only to com face-to-face with Thor.

Judging by the light snoring, Thor is still deep asleep. Loki watches him curiously for a moment, before he’s suddenly hit by the thought that this is where he belongs; that he and Thor were made for each other.

He blinks in confusion, sitting up and forcing the thought out of his mind. He’s had no problem making exceptions for Thor up until this point, but these particular thoughts are completely unwelcome. It makes Loki want to get up, to get _away_ from Thor until he’s thinking clearly again, but Thor chooses that exact moment to wake up.

“Hn…?” Thor mumbles sleepily, blinking his eyes open and scanning the room before his gaze falls on Loki. The smile on his face is impossible to resist. “Hey.”

“Good morning,” Loki murmurs, kissing Thor’s brow before he can quite stop himself. “Sleep well?”

“Amazingly well,” Thor replies with a grin, sitting up in the bed. He doesn’t even try to be subtle about the way he gives Loki a once-over. “Might have had something to do with the company, though. I don’t think I’ve ever woken up _this_ happy before.”

Strangely, Loki doesn’t need Thor to elaborate to understand exactly what he means. He’s noticed it too; all of Loki’s previous lovers tend to be worn out far too quickly. There’s never been anybody who could keep up with Loki before, who could give him everything he wanted and then some.

Whatever else it may mean, Loki definitely knows that it’s a sign that Thor is worth keeping around.

“I’ll make breakfast,” Loki decides, getting up and pulling his underwear on. “If you want to stay afterwards, then…”

“I like the way you think.” Thor grins, getting up and hunting for his own boxers before following Loki into the kitchen.

Loki nearly burns their breakfast because Thor doesn’t seem to be able to keep his hands to himself. He barely manages to get their eggs off the stove before Thor holds him against the counter, sucking a mark onto his neck.

“Calm down, I’m not going anywhere,” Loki murmurs, holding Thor by the shoulders. “We’ll eat first and then… well, I don’t have plans for the rest of the weekend.”

“Neither do I,” Thor replies, giving Loki one last kiss before stepping back. He sits down at the table and Loki takes a moment to marvel at just how ridiculously handsome he looks, even when he’s sitting in nothing but his boxers.

They eat in silence, far too hungry for conversation. Loki finds that he tends to eat large meals, but Thor eats even more. By the time they’ve finished eating, they’ve gone through the food that Loki’s cooked, a bottle of juice in the fridge, and a box of pop-tarts that Thor finds. They sit in silence for a moment, neither of them quite knowing what to say next.

“We could shower,” Thor suggests, and with a small, hopeful smile, adds, “together?”

Loki’s shower is more than big enough for the two of them—there’s enough room for Loki to sink to his knees and swallow Thor down again, deep-throating him and letting him thrust into the warmth. When Thor comes, Loki expects him to be boneless with satisfaction. Instead, Thor pulls him up to his feet and stroking him to completion.

“You need to stop looking so surprised,” Thor murmurs against Loki’s lips. “I’d hate to know what your previous experiences were like if you don’t expect reciprocation.”

“It’s not that.” Loki runs his hands up Thor’s arms, feeling the curve of every muscle. “They just never seem to be able to keep up with me. Most of them are worn out by now.”

A curious expression flickers across Thor’s face that Loki can’t quite place. “Is that so?”

Loki shrugs, pressing a light kiss to Thor’s lips. “I know that I tend to be rather demanding.”

“No, it’s just that…” Thor shakes his head and laughs quietly. “The exact same thing happens to me, too.”

Loki scoffs, turning the water off before it begins to go cold. “I doubt that there’s ever any shortage of people willing to cater to your desires.”

Thor raises an eyebrow, grabbing a towel off the rack and wrapping it around Loki’s shoulders and drying his hair for him. “That’s not what I mean. You’re the first to keep up with me, too.”

“Interesting.” Loki’s lips spread into a grin. He presses himself close to Thor and kisses the side of his neck. “So you are the only one able to give me what I want, and I’m the only one who can take what you have to give? Surely, you know what that means.”

Thor returns the grin, his hands sliding around Loki’s waist. “What does it mean?”

“It means,” Loki whispers, “that I am never letting you out of my bed again.”

Thor laughs. “I doubt you’ll hear me complaining.”

They end up spending the entire day in bed with each other, until they lose count of how many rounds they’ve had. It’s already night time when they’re finally tired and sated, drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms.

Loki doubts that he’s ever slept better in his entire life. It’s the small hours of the morning when he wakes, his body utterly relaxed. His mind, however, is trying to cling to the memory of a dream once again. Loki lies there, shutting his eyes and trying to remember what he can. He can visualise the golden halls from before, and he can feel a strange mix of anger and desperate loneliness. His brow furrows as the emotion runs through him once again, but in that exact moment, Thor rolls over beside him, pressing his face against Loki’s shoulder.

Loki relaxes immediately, letting the emotions of the dream fade. He turns his face just enough to touch his forehead to Thor’s. “Are you awake?”

“Mm,” Thor replies, burrowing into the bed. “Getting there.”

“I could always give you incentive to wake up,” Loki murmurs, and smiles when that makes Thor open his eyes.

Bringing a hand to Loki’s face, Thor traces his fingers over the skin around Loki’s mouth, still reddened and sensitive from his beard.

“It’s worse between my thighs,” Loki smiles slyly.

“You _like_ it, don’t you?” Thor strokes his fingers through Loki’s hair. “You like being marked.”

With a laugh, Loki tips his head back to expose his throat, already littered with hickeys. “I wonder what could have possibly given that away.”

Rolling on top of him, Thor dips his head to add yet another mark to the pale skin. “I had the strangest dream last night.”

“Oh?” Loki buries his fingers in Thor’s hair to keep him where he is.

Thor hums, resting his head on Loki’s shoulder. “I was looking for someone, I think. I was in this huge… castle, or something like that. The walls looked like they were made of solid gold, but I didn’t even care in the dream because I _had_ to find this person…”

Loki goes very still, and Thor breaks off in his story, looking at him with concern.

“It was just a stupid dream,” Thor says, shrugging. “Nothing more.”

“Right, of course.” Loki smiles, telling himself that he’s being silly, that this is just some strange coincidence. “So, breakfast?”

They spend most of Sunday lying around Loki’s apartment, too tired and lazy to do anything else. Thor doesn’t have any clothes except for the work clothes he’d worn to the bar on Friday night, and Loki digs up a pair of sweatpants and shirt, both of which are far too big on him. When Thor puts them on, the shirt clings to him, outlining every single muscle, and Loki eyes him hungrily.

“Are you sure these fit?” Thor asks doubtfully, adjusting the pants.

“They’re perfect,” Loki breathes. Thor raises an eyebrow with a small grin that says he knows exactly what Loki _really_ means.

“Should I be expecting you to come up with reasons to have me bending over all day?” Thor asks pulling Loki down onto the couch and kissing him.

“Do you even need to ask?” Loki counters with a smirk. “And do I even need to come up with excuses?”

“Good point.” Thor holds Loki’s sides, resting their foreheads together. Loki had fully intended to tease Thor until they were both naked and all over each other again, but somehow, all the urgency bleeds out of him as Thor kisses him slowly and gently. Loki, unused to the affection, doesn’t quite know what to do, but Thor takes the lead, holding Loki’s face in his hands and kissing him deeper.

By the time they pull apart, Loki is breathless and he can tell that his eyes are wide. Thor simply smiles, leaning back against the couch.

“I really like you.”

“I can’t imagine why,” Loki replies with a wry smile. “You barely know me.”

“Then tell me.” Thor sounds genuinely curious and Loki isn’t really sure what to do with that, either.

Resting his head on Thor’s shoulder, he asks, “What do you want to know?”

“What do you want to tell me?” Thor asks. “I’ve always wondered where you work, what you do, whether you have a family…”

Loki snorts quietly. “A family? Not likely.”

Thor flushes, “I didn’t mean a partner or children, but— how many siblings you have, if you’re the kind of uncle who drops by on weekends and…”

Loki hushes Thor with a light kiss, not wanting to hear any more. He doesn’t look at Thor when he pulls away, muttering, “I don’t have… I don’t have anyone, really. I grew up in a little orphanage and nobody seemed particularly interested in keeping me. I made my own way in the world because the only person I ever really had was… me.”

Thor is silent and Loki doesn’t dare to look at his face, afraid to see the pity in his expression. Then, Thor takes Loki’s hand into his own.

“Me too.” Thor’s voice is soft. Not sad, but… gentle. “Perhaps it wasn’t as bad for me, because I had foster parents. They were wonderful and caring, but they’re gone now. It feels… strange, being alone. It’s like something missing, and I just don’t know what.”

Loki shakes his head, “Whereas I just grew used to not having anybody at all.”

They spend hours just talking, getting to know each other little by little. Thor is a physiotherapist at a clinic just down the road from where Loki works as an investment banker. Thor doesn’t read the books Loki does, and Loki has no interest in the sports that Thor loves, but they still manage to hold each other’s attention.

By the time night falls, Loki is utterly infatuated with Thor and it’s mutual, if Thor’s reluctance to leave is any indication.

“I’ll see you again soon,” Thor promises as they exchange numbers. He’s wearing his own clothes after a quick shower with Loki and his face is still a light red. He pecks Loki on the lips. “Lunch during the week, maybe?”

“That sounds wonderful,” Loki murmurs, pulling Thor back for a longer kiss this time. “See you later.”

“Bye.” Thor smiles warmly at him and finally turns to leave.

Leaning against the doorframe, Loki sighs as he watches Thor go.

If he thought he was lonely before, having to readjust to Thor’s absence feels even worse.

 

«·»

 

On Monday morning, Loki wakes to an empty bed and the echoes of a dream in his head. It takes him a long moment to adjust, and he squeezes his eyes shut only be taunted by the same golden halls from his previous dream.

Loki doesn’t dream often, and he’s never had recurring dreams like these. He tries to push it out of his mind and gets on with the rest of his day. He has lunch with Thor and it significantly brightens his mood. He manages to forget all about the dreams until the next morning, when it happens again.

This time, Loki sits in bed with his eyes shut, trying to remember what he can. He doesn’t remember seeing any people in the dream at all and the harder Loki tries to remember, the more difficult it becomes.

As the week progresses, however, the dream repeats itself every single night and by Friday, Loki has been able to piece most of it together. There isn’t really much to the dream at all; it’s just the same thing over and over; he sees everything from first person as he walks through regal halls that are completely devoid of anybody else.

It makes no sense to him, but then Thor asks if he can come over, instead of meeting Loki at their usual bar, and Loki is more than happy to push all thoughts of dreams out of his mind.

Even though they go straight to bed, they’re not as desperate or impatient as the first time. Thor fingers Loki open and fucks him slow and steady, kissing his shoulders, but barely moving at all. It’s exactly what Thor needs; Thor’s presence is comforting in a strange way that he doesn’t even understand, but he wants Thor in him, all around him, and this is the best possible way to get exactly what he wants.

“Missed you,” Thor whispers against the nape of Loki’s neck before dragging his teeth over it.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Loki gasps breathlessly, turning his face into the mattress. “Missed you too. I’d stretch myself open for you and wish you were here to fill me up.”

Thor swears huskily, his hips jerking. “I’m here now.”

“Yes,” Loki sighs, chanting it under his breath as Thor fucks him to completion. Thor is soon to follow and once they’ve cleaned themselves up, they settle back in bed, lying in each other’s arms.

“I brought some spare clothes with me this time,” Thor tells him with a sheepish grin. “Just in case you wanted me to stay.”

“ _Just in case_ ,” Loki mutters, shaking his head. “If I had my way, you’ve never leave at all.”

Thor laughs. “If you had your way, neither of us would ever get out of bed.”

“Oh good, so you are learning.”

With a smile, Thor strokes Loki’s cheek. “Of course I am. And… I noticed that you look tired. I mean—before the sex. You looked tired then, too.”

Loki has been losing sleep over the dreams, but it sounds far too ridiculous, even in his own head. He simply shrugs it off, pressing himself to Thor’s side. “I’m fine. It’s been a long week.”

Thor nods, wrapping his arms around Loki’s shoulders and bringing the quilt up around them so they’re both warm. Loki means to keep his eyes open, but he’s asleep before he can even help it.

Then he’s back in the nameless halls again. He can hear his footsteps echoing as he walks but other than that… nothing. There is a mess of thoughts in his mind; nothing that makes any sense to him at all, but he can feel the thrum of fear in his chest. Fear, loneliness, anger, bitterness…

Loki wakes with a start, lashing out when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Thor catches his arm in time and holds onto it gently, whispering words of comfort that Loki can’t even focus on for long enough to actually understand.

“Loki,” Thor murmurs, kissing his forehead. “You’re alright. It’s fine. It was just a nightmare.”

“It’s always the same damn dream,” Loki hisses, torn between trying to commit every detail to memory again, and trying to just forget about it. “Doesn’t it happen to you, too?”

Thor frowns. “What do you mean?”

“The dream you were talking about before,” Loki explains impatiently. “You were looking for someone in a castle…”

Thor’s frown only deepens. “That was just a strange dream.”

Loki raises his eyebrows at Thor. “You’ve never had it again?”

“…No. Are you sure you’re okay, Loki?”

“I’m fine,” Loki lies, shaking his head. “I’m absolutely fine. It’s nothing to concern yourself about.”

“I’m not that easy to fool,” Thor admonishes gently, but he doesn’t say any more on the matter. Loki is thankful for that.

It’s still late on Friday night and Loki is eager to distract himself, so he drags himself out of bed. He hunts down ingredients in the kitchen, cooking until the countertop is covered with dishes. Thor stands in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and watching Loki with a small smile.

“Despite knowing so much about you already, it’s still so hard to tell what you’re thinking,” Thor comments, when Loki finally turns the stove off.

“I can’t give _everything_ away now, can I?” Loki replies with a shrug. “I’m keeping the mystery. To keep things interesting.”

With a laugh, Thor steals a quick kiss from Loki. “I doubt that I’d lose interest in you.”

With a thin smile, Loki shakes his head. “That’s a very big claim to make.”

Thor sighs, taking a step back. “You’re sure you don’t want to talk about…”

“About what?” Loki mutters. Thor doesn’t even know what it is that’s bothering him and a surge of bitterness comes out of nowhere, with the thought that of course Thor doesn’t know—Thor doesn’t understand _anything_.

He blinks in surprise at himself. The thought had so clearly felt like his own, but Loki doesn’t know _why_ he would think anything like that; he certainly hasn’t known Thor for long enough.

“Let’s just eat something,” Loki decides, shaking his head. E doesn’t know what’s going on and it’s beginning to scare him.

Thor nods quickly, setting the table and keeping a close eye on Loki. For the rest of the night, Thor doesn’t ask Loki if he’s alright again, but the concern is clear in his eyes. To Loki’s surprise, he really doesn’t mind all that much.

When they fall asleep later that night, Loki tries to stay awake for as long as possible. He knows what is waiting for him and he doesn’t want the confusion, the nagging feeling that all of this is important somehow. Most of all, he’s dreading the blank look on Thor’s face when he tries to explain himself.

 

«·»

 

The dreams get steadily worse. They last for longer, and the emotions from the dream cling to Loki for longer when he wakes. He lies in bed each morning, hating Thor and yet being desperately in love with him at the same time. They’ve barely known each other for a week, and Loki does not breathe a word of it to Thor, even though he is _certain_ that the dreams are connected to both of them.

Instead, he spends his waking hours with Thor, eager to get his mind off everything else. They spend the weekend going out, watching movies, dining at their favourite restaurants, and then returning to Loki’s apartment at night. They fuck to the point of exhaustion, until Loki can barely even _think_ any more and as much as he hopes that this will mean that he’s also too tired to dream, the images are always there, waiting for him, the moment he shuts his eyes.

This time, as Loki walks through the empty halls, his mind is full of memories that make no sense. Memories of magic and trickery, of years and years of plotting and planning. He remembers names of places and people, and wakes in the middle of the night, his mind spinning.

Thor sleeps on beside him, undisturbed, and Loki strokes his hair wonderingly. It feels so intimately familiar. _Everything_ about Thor does.

_Of course it does_ , Loki thinks. _I’ve known you for centuries, haven’t I?_

It’s not even two o’clock yet, but Loki doesn’t go back to sleep. He makes himself a mug of dark, bitter coffee and sits at his dining table, letting his mind wander wherever it will.

_Asgard_ , he thinks, tapping his fingers on the side of his mug. _Home_.

No, those words don’t go together. This might not be where he belongs, but Asgard is not, either. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? That’s been the problem all along.

_Thor_ , Loki tries. _Home_.

The two words click together; they make more sense than anything ever has, and that’s all Loki needs for the memories to start rushing back at full force. It’s staggering, to have thirty years’ worth of false memories replaced by _centuries_.

Dropping his mug with a clatter, Loki passes out before the coffee even spills onto the floor.

He’s woken hours later by Thor shaking him and calling his name. Loki blinks blearily and thinking, _Brother_ , before remembering where he is, and what has happened.

Odin is responsible for this. Loki is certain of it. He’ll have to deal with that later. For now, he digs through the false memories in his mind and sorts through the lies until he realises that it’s Monday morning. Loki had casually mentioned that since Thor already had his things, there was no real reason for him to go home. Loki had been pleased at the time, when Thor chose to stay, but now he knows that none of it is _real_. None of it matters.

“Do you remember anything at all?” Loki asks curiously as he gets up, mopping up his spilled coffee with a paper towel. “Asgard. Odin. Your idiot friends. Me. Do you really remember none of that?”

Thor raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you… sure that you’re okay, Loki? You haven’t hit your head?”

“Hm.” Loki throws the paper towel into the bin. “I didn’t think so. I don’t even know why I’m disappointed.”

“What are you talking about?” Thor asks warily. “I’m—I’m going to take you to the hospital, okay? Everything will be fine.”

“Of course it won’t,” Loki snaps. “You think anybody at a human hospital could fix this? You think there’s a simple solution for everything. You always have.”

“Loki…”

“Look around you, Odinson. All of this is a _lie_. A punishment. We don’t belong here and we never have. Why do you think we have matching names? Why do you think we were drawn to each other? There is no one among the humans that can hold our interest, who can keep up with our needs the way we do for each other. Do you think that it’s merely a coincidence?”

“Loki, you are not making any sense.” Thor sounds worries and a little scared and that, more than anything, makes Loki furious.

“You are Thor, son of Odin, crown prince of Asgard. I have known you for nearly all my life. _Brother_.”

Thor’s frown deepens. “Is this some kind of _joke_?”

“The tricks come later. For now, I need you to _remember_.”

Loki knows the spells to return everything back to normal. He knows how to sneak his way back into Asgard using the hidden paths. He knows how to return Thor’s true memories to him, but as he tries to gather his magic and do exactly that, he feels… nothing.

“Odin,” Loki mutters venomously. “You half-blind _bastard_.”

“I can’t do this. I can’t just stand by and do nothing,” Thor declares, shaking his head. “You need some kind of help, Loki. Just _listen_ to yourself. You think we’re… what, reincarnations of gods?”

“We _are_ gods,” Loki replies. “How can you possibly _not_ miss that stupid hammer of yours? Don’t you feel its loss like a missing limb? Don’t you feel utterly incomplete without it, the way I do without my spells?”

“Your _spells_ ,” Thor repeats incredulously. “I don’t know what happened, Loki, or why, but this is not… _sane_.”

“Don’t you dare! My mind is perfectly sound—I’m the only one who realises what’s going on, here!”

Thor shakes his head. “I can’t do this, Loki. You need help and until then…”

“Do _not_ leave me, Thor. You can’t. Not now.”

“I’m sorry.” The worst part is that Thor means it. That Thor thinks that this is actually going to help. With one last, sad look, he turns away to gather his belongings, and then he’s gone.

This time, the loneliness crashes down on Loki worse than ever before. Without Thor, Loki feels lost, abandoned, and he doesn’t know what to do. He needs to find a way to regain his magic and get back to Asgard, but Odin is clever. This will not be easy for Loki to do and he is certain that it will be almost impossible without Thor.

Loki knows that this is punishment—for both of them, but banishment has served to help Thor grow in the past; it’s not as severe a punishment as it would seem. Loki’s, on the other hand, is much worse. Being banished from Asgard has little meaning to him when Asgard has not felt like home for a long time already. Losing his magic is painful, but it’s nowhere near as bad as being forgotten by Thor.

“Did you think that you would keep us apart by erasing our memories?” Loki asks, looking up, knowing that Odin will hear him. “Did you really think that you could keep your precious son away from me? We found each other anyway, Allfather, and I _will_ find him, no matter how you try to separate us, because he is _mine_. The harder you make it for me, the more I’ll ruin him when I find him. That, I promise, is nothing but the truth.”

There is no response, but Loki is not expecting otherwise. He’s alone now, without Thor, without his magic, and all that he has left is his mind. There are still more memories just under the surface and Loki opens his mind to them, until he’s completely back to himself.

 

«·»

 

There’s an insistent buzzing filling the room and Loki frowns, opening his eyes. He’s spent so much time in his own mind that it takes him a moment to adjust to his surroundings, to the apartment around him, to Midgard.

He sighs, getting up and making his way through the apartment, to the small panel beside the door. The screen shows Thor, standing in the foyer of the apartment complex, pressing the buzzer insistently.

“Alright, you can stop that now,” Loki mutters into the speaker.

“ _Loki_.” Thor looks and sounds extremely relieved. “I’ve been trying to contact you for _days_. You haven’t been at work, you haven’t replied to my messages or my calls. What’s going on?”

Loki gives Thor an incredulous look, even though it won’t be seen. “What do you think? I have no interest in the outside world when I need to figure this out. Midgard means nothing to me.”

Thor sighs. “This again?”

“ _Yes_ , this again,” Loki replies angrily. “ _This_ isn’t going to change, Thor.”

“This isn’t the time or place for a conversation like this. Can I come in?”

“No. If you don’t remember me, then I have absolutely no desire to speak to you. Goodbye Thor.”

“Loki, please—”

“ _Good. Bye_. Thor.”

The Thor that Loki knows is stubborn and persistent; especially when it’s unwelcome. The fact that Thor now just gives up and walks away only serves to make Loki even angrier.

There is very little that Loki can do now, and he’s never been fond of being backed into corners. He hates having to rely on other people even more, and there is absolutely nothing Loki can do without Thor. He needs to find a way to force Thor’s memories to the surface, but he hasn’t left his apartment for days now and he still hasn’t come up with anything.

He knows how to manipulate Thor, how to weave lies that ensnare him from the very first word. This is the first time Thor has started off not believing him; the first time Loki doesn’t have his magic to help him. It makes Loki feel weak and powerless and _this_ must be part of Odin’s plans as well. Something this excruciating cannot possibly be an accident.

“I doubt your wisdom at times, Allfather,” Loki comments as he makes himself another mug of coffee, “when your punishments only inspire me to do worse next time, and takes more care not to be caught. Of course, I would do better without using Thor, but where’s the fun in that? You’ve absolutely no idea how _satisfying_ it is to drag your golden son down with me. And you certainly don’t seem to realise how easy it is for me to seduce him, do you? Never mind. I will show you just how unwise it is to trifle with me, when I have Thor in the palm of my hand. Especially when he is this powerless. I won’t even _need_ my magic.”

Even Loki knows better than to openly taunt the king of the nine realms, but if there is one thing he knows even better than that, it’s the fact that Odin loves his only son very dearly. As much as Loki loves Thor, he is not averse to the idea of hurting him. Odin knows this well. If Odin wants to protect Thor from Loki, he will need to act and the moment he does…

Well. Thor is back, buzzing Loki’s apartment the very next morning.

Loki makes him wait, taking a moment to feel smug before finally walking to the panel beside the door. “You’re back.”

Thor is looking straight into the camera and doesn’t bother with the small talk. “Let me inside, Loki. I need to talk to you.”

“Do you, now?” Loki knows that Thor isn’t going anywhere, and that means that he can taunt as much as he wants. “And what makes you think that I will want to talk to _you_?”

“Loki,” Thor growls, and for a moment he sounds so much like _himself_ that Loki doesn’t know what to say.

In the end, he wordlessly lets Thor in, leaving the door open for him and going into the kitchen to make two mugs of coffee.

“Loki,” Thor whispers, entering the apartment and approaching him carefully. He looks utterly lost and Loki has no idea what Thor is thinking, or how much he knows.

Pressing a mug into Thor’s hands, Loki sits down at the table. “What do you want, Thor?”

Sitting down opposite Loki, Thor fixes him with a determined look. “I want you to tell me who I am. Tell me why we’re here, what happened… tell me everything you can.”

Loki frowns, sipping from his mug to buy himself more time to get his thoughts together. “Will you believe a word I say?”

Thor is silent for a long moment, choosing his words carefully. He looks up, holding Loki’s gaze, and says, “I don’t know, Trickster. Should I?”

Loki tries to keep his expression blank, but some of the hope must shine through because Thor shakes his head.

“I am not promising you anything. I am still unsure of what to believe.”

“I will speak the truth.”

“A liar’s promise.”

“No, Thor.” Loki sighs wearily. “I have nothing to gain from lies, now. If anything, it will cost me the only thing of any worth that I still have.”

Thor raises an eyebrow. “Oh? And what is that?”

“Your patience.” Rising to his feet, Loki paces the dining room as he speaks. “I don’t know what Odin showed you to give you such a change of heart, but I will be utterly unsurprised if he warned you about trusting me. There is a certain freedom in being branded a liar, Brother. You can speak your mind—speak your heart—and nobody will suspect that you are baring yourself to them. I could tell you right now; I have loved nobody in all of existence more than I love you. And I can tell you that I am not afraid to get blood on my hands to achieve my goals, not even if it’s yours. Which is the truth and which the lie? They could both be false…”

“And they could both be true,” Thor finished, understanding. “Or half-truths.”

Loki smiles. “You’ve much more clever down here on Midgard.”

“You will tell me the truth,” Thor says, confident in this belief.

Neither confirming nor denying it, Loki turns to Thor. “We were brothers. This much, you must have gathered. _Were_ , until I found that this was a falsehood, told to us by the one person who can weave lies that I could never even dream of getting away with.”

“Odin,” Thor says with a nod.

“So you know that much. Very good. You would still call me Brother and as much as I protested, you never stopped. You insisted that we would be brothers, no matter the blood in our veins. You are… persistent, when you want to be.”

“And what of our… relationship?” Thor asks, gesturing between them. “We’re brothers, and yet…”

Loki laughs, shaking his head. “Even when I thought we were blood brothers, I wanted you for myself. I kept it secret, because I knew that you would never reciprocate my feelings, but afterwards…”

Thor watches him intently. The one thing Loki hates is the fact that he has no way of knowing whether or not this is a part of the story that Thor already knows.

“I seduced you,” Loki admits. “Because I knew that I could. I told myself that it was just a means to an end and nothing more than that, but I would keep delaying my plans in favour of spending more time with you. I’d wanted this for almost my entire life and now that I had it…”

“Tell me,” Thor prompts quietly.

“I told myself that I would use you when I needed to, but I never did. Then I heard of a magical staff hidden in the very depths of Muspelheim. The land of the fire demons. I am—I _was_ a skilled sorcerer, but even I knew better than to challenge them alone. But then I realised…”

“You had me.” Thor does not sound happy. Loki can’t quite blame him.

“I finally had a use for you. If I put you to use, then I could tell myself that I'd won your affections for a _reason_ , not just out of sentiment. I convinced you to start a war with Muspelheim over some imagined slight. While you led your army into battle… I claimed the staff for myself. I knew you would be fine; with Surtur dormant, the fire demons are of no real threat.”

“If you think that makes me feel any better…”

Loki shakes his head. “Of course not. But that is what happened. Then, when Odin realised what truly started the war with Muspelheim… he found us and punished us. Banishment, with our memories replaced by false stories of the mortal lives we’d apparently lived. The Allfather was too proud to give you another family, Thor, but at least he let you believe that you had one. I couldn’t have a happy childhood, even in my false memories.”

Thor does not speak for a long time and Loki lets the silence stretch between them. He knows that Thor needs to sort his thoughts out, and focuses on his mug of coffee instead. He’s finished the entire thing by the time Thor clears his throat.

“I… think I believe you. A lot of what you say _feels_ right to me. But in saying that… knowing that you have been manipulating me like this…”

“I understand,” Loki says quietly.

“No.” Thor rises to his feet and gives Loki a helpless, frustrated look. “I do not think that you do.”

Without another word, Thor turns to the door, and is gone.

“Wonderful,” Loki mutters, heaving a sigh. Turning his gaze to the ceiling, he addresses Odin once again. “You haven’t won yet, you old fool. I promise you that.”

 

«·»

 

There is a wild storm that night; lightning streaking across the sky and thunder booming so loudly that it’s deafening.

Loki makes his way up to the very top of his apartment complex, to the uncovered part of the terrace garden. There’s mud everywhere and Loki is soaked from the very moment he steps outside, but he doesn’t mind. This is where he wants to be right now. There are only two people who will appreciate the true reason for the storm and Loki has no idea where Thor is, or if they’ll see each other again any time soon. Thor might run. Loki, without his magic, won’t be able to do anything about it.

Judging by the ferocity of the storm, Loki can tell that Thor hasn’t lost nearly as much as Loki. He tries not to feel bitter about it, but he doesn’t try very hard.

For now, Loki just sits down against the concrete wall around the edge of the terrace, and enjoys the storm. It’s been a long time since he’s been able to enjoy one without the fear that Thor will be hunting him down. Thor knows exactly where to find him this time; the problem is that Loki highly doubts that Thor will be coming for him.

The rain continues for so long that Loki loses track of time. The thunder has died down and Loki has nowhere else to be anyway. He shuts his eyes and loses himself to the rhythmic patter of raindrops falling around him.

Then, all of a sudden, there’s something shielding him from the rain. Loki opens his eyes and looks up to find Thor standing over him, just as wet as he is. Thor isn’t carrying an umbrella, but stands at just the right angle to keep the rain from falling on Loki.

Offering a hand, Thor helps Loki up. The rain is loud around them, but Loki has no desire to go inside when Thor pulls him close.

“I remember, now.” Thor’s tone is back to exactly what Loki is used to, and it’s the most comforting thing he’s ever heard. “I remember everything, Loki.”

Loki tucks his head under Thor’s chin. “You left me. I didn’t think you were coming back.”

“I was angry,” Thor murmurs, wrapping his arms around Loki. “But I came back, didn’t I? I always come back.”

“You’re an idiot,” Loki tells him. “I only ever cause trouble. You should know that by now.”

“If I did not want to be here with you, I would not have returned. Simple as that.”

Loki isn’t as convinced, but he nods. When Thor kisses him, Loki holds on tightly, not intending on letting go any time soon.

“Shall we go home?” Thor asks, and Loki doesn’t reply that he’s _already_ home.

He simply nods, and when Thor asks, “What will you say to Father once we get back?” Loki simply replies, “We shall see.”

It doesn’t matter to Loki right now. Nothing matters, other than Thor’s arms around him, and the look in his eyes.

“I’ve got you,” Thor murmurs, and then turns his face to the dark sky to call, “Heimdall!”

As the Bifrost opens around them, Loki leans into Thor and thinks, _Yes. I’ve got you too_.


End file.
